How long do we go on..?

Does anyone ever wonder about me “bloody hell, why is she always writing, all the time?!?! Does she not have a real life? Somethign better to do?” Well, I hope and suspect that many bloggers are like me – I have always used wrting to try to make sense of my experiences; only blogging is a brand new and totally public (but more or less anonymous) way to do it. I am the person who when feeling furious or upset, writes a venoumous letter /email addressed to the offending idiot with a firm ’24hour rule’ NEVER send one of those hugely cathartic tomes unil 24 hours have passed (by then you’ll realise it really is better that way). Anyway – I love to process my feelings through words, and thanks to you guys who are reading this and finding it readable and informative!!

Finding myself very philosophical today. A has been a simply amazing support and hidden her own feelings to be strong for me. I know it hit her hard too, but she is a very strong woman. I think that both of us have been through a lot of disappointment and hurt in our lives (so have many people) and it has enabled us to cope reasonably well with this situation. We never imagined when we began this attempt to get pregnant that we would still be trying 8 months later. If it had worked first time IUI, I would be about to give birth! Wow.

I have felt mostly all right today. I had lots of work to do; a load of 5 and 6 year-olds to control/ educate /entertain, so not so much choice. And a lesson observation (!!! I HATE them!!! But it went well I think!). However, I have had a few wobbles. A is so kind that she normally drives me to work, but this mornign she was tired and didn’t want to. I couldn’t handle the idea of going in with colleagues in a taxi (loads of us live in this condo-complex) or trying to hold it together to get a motorbike taxi alone. … so I had a bit of a crying fit. Not a tantrum, but a bit of a breakdown. So A got up and took me as usual (you don’t have to tomorrow babe, I promise – it was just a tricky morning!).

I didn’t fill you in on some important *arrrrgh* factors yesterday; a family friend from the UK arrived yesterday morning and we had not really made many firm plans, but she arrived and fell asleep almost instantly. Only I didn’t know and thought she was lost. So there was that going on, and the fact that once home there would be no time for a big meltdown (a good thing, really because that still hasn’t happened). the most *ARRRRGH!!!* thing (aside from the disappointng result)  was that we were clamped! For parking in exactly the same place we have parked for the last 30-or-so visits to the clinic! I had really tried to hold it together in the Doc’s office as I realise it isn’t easy for him to break news like that shitty 7.51 to an IVF patent. when we got downstairs A’s mum called and I was having a little cry, then A and I walked to the bike and found the fine notce. We couldnt’ beleive it! The clamp made us both furious bec it meant I had to be alone on the way home and didn’t know when she would get back (you just never know in Thailand – if the policeman is in a bad mood or takes a dislike to you you could be held up into the small hours for something like this. Thankfully it was great to see my old old friend when I got home (we grew up together but haven’t seen each other like this for around 10 years now), and A wasn’t held up too long, so we were still able to go out for dinner as planned 🙂 AND i HAD A BEER. (*headache this morning!!)

Anyway, back to today,the black goo is coming out again now I have stopped taking progesterone, and i didn’t really enjoy telling people. One nice experience today which I didn’t expect was one of the nice ladies I work with telling me she had almost exactly the same result as me. She went for an IUI on the Saturday before my Egg transfer (which was on a Tuesday) and her HSG test was also positive with a score of 6. So she is now waiting for her period to come. I would actually prefer to refer to it as a period, but officially/ technically it is an early miscarriage, and the correct term is, as I thought. a chemical pregnancy. In the article below it’s said that some estimate that up to 70% of all conceptions end in early miscarriage that go totally unnoticed by women who are not using assisted reproductive technology. All of these wild statistics make every successful pregnancy seem even more of an unbelievable miracle! The cause is said to be likely to be (though testing failed embryos is almost impossible) “chromosomal abnormalities” in the embryo. The body kind of rejects it because it’s not good enough.

Here is a good explanation of chemical pregnancy (my source for the above info): http://miscarriage.about.com/od/onetimemiscarriages/p/chemicalpreg.htm

Anyway – disappointingly, only 5 of the embryos harvested were suitable for freezing, so that’s what we have left. After another failure, I am left asking myself (and A) when is it time to accept that it isn’t going to happen for us? I often have that thought. We could do so many exciting things with our lives without raising a child to consider. But it is the dream we both have; to share a family together. My dad texted A today and told her he loves her like he loves me and thanked her for looking after me. I cried when she told me that (I told you I had a few wobbles today!). we are lucky that we have so much support from both our families – we could be so much more alone.

I know I should be thankful for all the great stuff and people in my life. I am lucky – just to have found the person I truly want to spend my life with is lucky enough! I have no doubt in my heart and soul about that (and I used to think that was just something people made coz the movies tell them that’s what we are supposed to feel!!). But when does fertility treatment become too great a physical, emotional and financial cost for women and couples who so dearly wish for a family? I don’t know the answer to that. A wants me to wait, but when we discuss the reason, the only one is that she can’t stand to see me hurting. I think I am strong enough, certainly to use up these darling little embryos. Another full-on round of IVF though? Right now I think no, but if none of these remaining embryos amount to a successful pregnancy, then I am not sure I will feel the same way.

One small concern I have: Thailand is famous for its permissiveness; its acceptance of rule bending allows many of the traits and characteristics of a well-loved country. I have been able to pursue my fertility treatment without ado and without a barrage of testing. But there, you see, I worry that I should have loads of tests. What’s stopped it from working? Doc seems totally sure that my failure so far is due simply to the statistical unlikelihood of conception. He cited my pathetic HSG levels as positive because obviously my womb lining is receptive. My day 2 hormones were perfect, apparently. What else are the doctors testing all you ladies for? I have no idea if there is something big I ought to be asking him to investigate. But he is the expert, right? It’s the flipside. less regulation; less information…

Bye for now 🙂

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2 comments

  1. Don’t make any big decisions right away–give yourselves time to grieve and process all of this before you decide what to do next, or what timeline to do it on. Be gentle with yourselves. I’m glad your friend is there to distract you. **hugs**

    1. Ah, thank you 🙂 we have to see what happens when AF comes and go from there!

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