Hi again, I hope this finds you well? I have a little ttc news to report again, finally. I have been suffering from some intermittent pain since the first cycle and though it has lessened since my period, it hasn’t altogether disappeared. I told my doc about it yesterday and during my ultrasound he looked out for anything abnormal. He said that my verjayjay and uterus look fine, but that one of my ovaries is still oversized and that that could be the source of the pain. Hmmm.
Anyway we are going ahead on Tuesday, but I had a bit of a breakdown after this appointment because doc basically said that with only 5 frozen embryos, this was very likely the last time. I had already worked that out, but still hearing that all that hard injecting and bloating and pain had led me to only two transfers was very difficult. We will really struggle to pay for a second cycle without some help. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to try again, but now the possibility that we might need to seems close, I find that I simply can’t accept that I won’t be pregnant. I feel like it has been decided now, that our decision to have a baby is going to lead to a baby (unless it really is not possible).
I know I am jumping the gun- we have one, and if they thaw well, maybe 2 more transfers before this point. It is so difficult though. This situation makes it impossible to plan- we are stuck in baby limbo. I really need a new work wardrobe but I haven’t been shopping because I always think I need to ‘find out if I am going to be needing maternity clothes’. You can’t buy maternity clothes when you haven’t yet fallen pregnant!
A and I have decided we really want to go to The UK together next July (2013) on holiday but we are hesitant to book anything because at this rate, who knows if it might take me another 9 months of trying? If it were to take that long, I could be 6 months pregnant at that point! Arghhh! We just have to sit tight.
The mantra we used before, ‘what will be, will be’ is still ultimately true, and yes, of course we will be all right if it doesn’t work – we have to be. I have said before ad infinitum how massively lucky I am to have a partner like A. We do have a ‘plan B’ of sorts. It is basically to have a hugely adventurous life, of a sort which is seriously hampered by the cost and caregiving duties required of parents. I guess I need to hold on to that, but if we don’t have our child, I feel it will almost be a grieving process to go through before we can get to that point.
In an attempt to make the whole thing easier this time, I am going to lie to everyone at work (if you are one of the few work friends who reads this, pls maintain my story that I am having a month off!) because I don’t want to have everyone knowing, even if I do get a BFP. A BFP could lead to a miscarriage and i just want to keep my big mouth shut. Argh again. What a long road lies ahead. We have been meditating every day in the hope that it will allow us to focus on a successful implantation. I don’t find it easy to concentrate on nothing for 30 minutes, so I ask the Buddha and Ganesh and Meh Guan Im (the three figures on our mantelpiece) first for health and happiness for everyone and then ask for this small gift, a healthy pregnancy and baby. I reason with whoever or whatever is listening that cosmically it is a very small thing to wish for, but it means everything to us.
Anyone care to share what it would take for them to finally give up hope on their ttc dream of a family? I never, ever expected that I would find it so hard to get pregnant, or that it would be so hard to accept that perhaps we are not meant to be pregnant.