“9DP FET” = 9 days post frozen embryo transfer. I am absolutely knackered but the heat has gone down a bit now. It is about 33 in the daytime now and yesterday was cloudy. O_O WOW!
I have no idea what, if anything, is going on in my tummy, but A has been massaging my stubborn leg injury and it seems to have made an almost instantaneous difference (I have been suffering from it for 4 months, not running for 3). So what with that and the heat dropping off a bit, next week I am hoping to start my runs home again.
I have had no more cramps, but this morning I have had some ‘bleeding’ – more like a pale brown, mixed in with the lovely white goo from the pessaries. I am surprised that I still feel fairly calm about the whole situation, but I am sure that I will start pulling out my proverbial hair when the actual beta test is approaching. I think there has been a shift in my expectations. When we started ttc, I expected that I would be pregnant and having a child. Obviously, 9 months later, my naive excitement has been somewhat crushed and now I think what has happened is that my expectations have shifted (I guess this is a kind of healthy response?). Now, rather than hoping and expecting for the pregnancy (and the ability to maintain it), and preparing myself for the hrrble, cyclical loss, I think my self defese has rewired. Now I am kind of expecting not to be pregnant, and if it were to happen it would be the most enormous, joyous surprise. I have been wearing the same, awful tired work outfits for the whole of this shcool year. I am embarrassed by the tiny number of rotating outfits I wear (especially as a lot of the parents whose kids I teach are wearing Chanel). At the start of the year I said “I won’t buy any trousers now becuase there isn’t any point if I need to buy a load of maternity clothes,”. I have been saying that every week since as I stare at my saggy work trousers … I finally listened to my painful leg when I felt unable to run after my egg retrieval. I am unhappy about that. Lying about isn’t me, So time to do a bit of shopping, get my running shoes on; time to plan as though we are not going to be pregnant.
Not that we plan to stop trying – I won’t be going back to coffee or cocktails just yet – I am just trying to maintain something of myself, and my dignity! The emotional investment in Bangkok Baby Project is stepping down a gear.
(let’s see if I am still in this frame of mind on Monday? Any bets? LOL)