Today it’s 9DP FET, right?

“9DP FET” = 9 days post frozen embryo transfer. I am absolutely knackered but the heat has gone down a bit now. It is about 33 in the daytime now and yesterday was cloudy. O_O WOW!

I have no idea what, if anything, is going on in my tummy, but A has been massaging my stubborn leg injury and it seems to have made an almost instantaneous difference (I have been suffering from it for 4 months, not running for 3). So what with that and the heat dropping off a bit, next week I am hoping to start my runs home again.

I have had no more cramps, but this morning I have had some ‘bleeding’ – more like a pale brown, mixed in with the lovely white goo from the pessaries. I am surprised that I still feel fairly calm about the whole situation, but I am sure that I will start pulling out my proverbial hair when the actual beta test is approaching. I think there has been a shift in my expectations. When we started ttc, I expected that I would be pregnant and having a child. Obviously, 9 months later, my naive excitement has been somewhat crushed and now I think what has happened is that my expectations have shifted (I guess this is a kind of healthy response?). Now, rather than hoping and expecting for the pregnancy (and the ability to maintain it), and preparing myself for the hrrble, cyclical loss, I think my self defese has rewired. Now I am kind of expecting not to be pregnant, and if it were to happen it would be the most enormous, joyous surprise. I have been wearing the same, awful tired work outfits for the whole of this shcool year. I am embarrassed by the tiny number of rotating outfits I wear (especially as a lot of the parents whose kids I teach are wearing Chanel). At the start of the year I said “I won’t buy any trousers now becuase there isn’t any point if I need to buy a load of maternity clothes,”. I have been saying that every week since as I stare at my saggy work trousers … I finally listened to my painful leg when I felt unable to run after my egg retrieval. I am unhappy about that. Lying about isn’t me, So time to do a bit of shopping, get my running shoes on; time to plan as though we are not going to be pregnant.

Not that we plan to stop trying – I won’t be going back to coffee or cocktails just yet – I am just trying to maintain something of myself, and my dignity! The emotional investment in Bangkok Baby Project is stepping down a gear.

(let’s see if I am still in this frame of mind on Monday? Any bets? LOL)

🙂

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11 comments

  1. I’m with you.. that is how I’ve been feeling lately too. Self-defense mode. Like the “Hope for the best, prepare for the worst” saying. Michelle, not so much. 🙂

    1. herrrrrrrrm yup. It is really confusing. Definitely trying to prepare for the worst…! I suppose not long till i know though.

  2. Time is moving so slowly! I’m in the same boat now though. Last month, positive thinking was my thing. This month I am just going to assume that I am not pregnant. Might makes things just a little bit easier.

    1. I think it makes things easier in the main, but I am not sure about on test day…! I’ll see… 🙂

  3. Someone told me that the thing to do if you want to get pregnant is to go out and buy a really expensive, form-fitting pair of pants. Ones that you will never be able to wear even once because your pregnancy test will be positive so soon. I hope it works for you!

    1. Sounds kind of like washing your car being the surest way to bring afternoon rain, right?

      1. Ha I love this advice! I really do need some new ‘pants’ (trousers lol) – as I say I have been putting that off. Perhaps it is something to get done this weekend! then… fingers crossed!

  4. I do the same. It’s just easier to already assume the cycle will be a failure instead of getting too excited about anything. I’m going to try to do the opposite this month but let’s see if it will be possible.

    1. we will find a way to cope, and all of us are continually going through the same process over and over again. It is bound to take a toll on us..! :/ Good luck at your appointment!

  5. It must be really challenging to deal with the ups and downs. I guess lowering expectations keeps you from being disappointed if things don’t take, but it is kind of hard to keep from raising your hopes.

  6. its a kind of lose-lose situation! :/

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